November 9, 2018
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Solitude. Thinking about my life right now, that’s the first word that came up in my mind. Reflecting back upon my life, my social interactions with friends in particular, I wondered how things could have been different. There had been occasions where I missed (or skipped) the chance of meeting new people. I wonder if I had not been shy, or simply had full understanding of the situations, if I could have meet my one and only.
Currently, there are people near me that I could supposedly call “friends”. However, there isn’t anyone here that I connect with on a deep level. I don’t have any best friends in Japan. Just recently for the past 3 months, my little brother came to visit me in Japan. And before him, my friend Lettuce (whom I consider a best friend) was in Japan with him from April 2017 until April 2018. However, they are not here anymore. They and the rest of my really good friends are all on the other side of the ocean. I am alone.
March 27, 2018
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What kind of future do you seek for yourself?
For most of my life, I avoided thinking about my future. I didn’t know what I want to be or what I want to do. It was tiresome enough just to endure through today and tomorrow. If I did had any idea, it was that I wanted to be in Japan.
And now, I am here in Japan.
But life doesn’t just end there. My story isn’t a “I got to Japan and lived happily ever after” story.
I am alive here today, and have to connect the present to the future for as long as I am alive. However, it is clear that the path in front of me is a caved in tunnel. What I must do now is to dig my way out.
Not a pretty picture, right? Digging your bare hands into a pile of endless rubble, with no idea when or how the whole place might come down on you. If there is anything that is certain, it is that nobody will help you. You are on your own. I am on my own.
January 29, 2018
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For my monthly posts regarding my daily life in Japan, I have titled it “Struggles in Japan”. Recently, I thought about whether or not it was time to end it, and start a new daily life in Japan series with a more positive title in its place. But sadly, my struggles won’t cease anytime soon.
My life had never been easy. Seeking somewhere better, a place I could call home and feel like I belonged in, I took my chances and came to Japan. Only a year after graduating from university and with no professional experience nor skills, I now realize that it was a rash and risky decision. However, the only other choice I had was to remain living an uncomfortable life in that country. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. I can’t say that either is better than the other. And now, I have came to the realization that for many years to come, I will continue to face challenges of sustaining my life in Japan.
November 24, 2017
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It has been a while since the previous A Snapshot of Thoughts. Not that I haven’t been thinking about anything, but I haven’t had any conclusive thoughts about my new situation. I have been busy enjoying myself, spending my free time to finish up my backlog of things to do that I have built up over the years. However, I do have one complex topic that I have been thinking to myself about for the last couple months and now I think I know what I want to say.
That topic is friendship.
In more detail, it is about myself and my social interactions with other people. //Continue Reading//
May 26, 2017
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Prior to coming to Japan, I had believed that there is no such thing as a wasted effort. Everything I have done had a purpose and will connect together at some point to mean something in some way. That was a motivation message I took to heart from Danny Choo, a person that played a role in my exposure to Japan. Those words were true. That was how I came to learn Japanese, by simply doing what I loved and immersing myself in my hobbies. Every moment I spent watching anime, reading in games, listening to broadcasts, and singing songs formed my language skill level today. Never had I thought I would be become this fluent in Japanese.
In other moments of my life, the things I have done and spent time on may not have led to an accomplishment, but they definitely resulted in something, such as connecting to a new hobby or met new friends. Or sometimes just plainly, I had fun. Many things in my life were all by chance, coincidences stacked upon coincidences through the decisions I made and eventually took its shape into what is my life. I am everything I have ever done.
But, I recently begin to question the thought that there is no such thing as a wasted effort. I ask myself, what was my time in Japan in the last 7 months for? What has it accomplished me and contributed to? I lost a friend, used up my brother’s and parent’s money, and still I am exhausting my time. What I have gained were the engravings of loneliness, despair, and dread into my soul, getting a taste of the life of all work and no free time, simply surviving the day and envied those who can afford food. Is going through these feelings again and again necessary for something? What do these experiences lead to? What am I suffering for? With regards to positive events, I attended my first ever gunpla expo and saw Kawaguchi Meijin in person, watched the impactful SAO movie in theaters, and now being able to hang out in Japan with another close friend. They were fun and inspirational moments. But could I make something out of them?
I feel and fear that the path I am walking on may be a dead end. The best that I can think of is that my time in Japan up until now were there to make me reconsider the future that I truly want to pursue. However, I cannot see beyond that.
May 15, 2017
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In the movie ひるね姫 ～知らない私の物語～, there was a scene where the protagonist, ココネ (Kokone, a high school girl), was told by an old man to not waste any time in life because life is short. Kokone replies by asking when did life started to feel short because she feels that life is incredibly long and distant.
Ever since then, I too wondered the same. Life should be long and distant. But for me right now, life seems short and time passes fast. To answer Kokone’s question, life and time started to feel short around when I was graduating from university. The possible reasons why are plentiful, and I don’t have an exact answer I decided upon yet.
What I do know however, is that I want to regain that feeling I had lost with respect to the passage of life and time, to once again live at my own pace, to stand in the position of Kokone’s outlook on life. //Continue Reading//
April 19, 2017
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Originally, I was going to take a photo of a sakura tree, of which the flowers have mostly fallen off by now, as an example to show how things keep on slipping by in my current life. Spring came and the sakura bloomed. If it was me several years ago, I would have been excited, going around places taking photos of the flower to upload onto this blog. Even now, I reminisce about the moments I spent in Kyoto during spring 2012. This year, this time in Japan, I have not taken a single photo of them. The sakura petals have fallen and they are gone now. Much like my inability to take photos of the sakura on time, other things in my life simply keep on slipping by. The reasons and scenarios were various. Anyways, I thought I was too late to yet another event.
But today, I saw these flowers at a park nearby. I admit. I don’t know what these flowers are. However, they fulfilled the same role as sakura in my heart, beautifully vivid pink trees in full bloom during spring. This wasn’t quite what I had imagined, but this alternative will do. I dreamed of living together with friends in Japan, hanging out, buying things, and engaging our hobbies. My life right now isn’t quite what I had imagined… but perhaps… this alternative might do.
//続きを見る Continue Reading//