May 26, 2017
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Prior to coming to Japan, I had believed that there is no such thing as a wasted effort. Everything I have done had a purpose and will connect together at some point to mean something in some way. That was a motivation message I took to heart from Danny Choo, a person that played a role in my exposure to Japan. Those words were true. That was how I came to learn Japanese, by simply doing what I loved and immersing myself in my hobbies. Every moment I spent watching anime, reading in games, listening to broadcasts, and singing songs formed my language skill level today. Never had I thought I would be become this fluent in Japanese.
In other moments of my life, the things I have done and spent time on may not have led to an accomplishment, but they definitely resulted in something, such as connecting to a new hobby or met new friends. Or sometimes just plainly, I had fun. Many things in my life were all by chance, coincidences stacked upon coincidences through the decisions I made and eventually took its shape into what is my life. I am everything I have ever done.
But, I recently begin to question the thought that there is no such thing as a wasted effort. I ask myself, what was my time in Japan in the last 7 months for? What has it accomplished me and contributed to? I lost a friend, used up my brother’s and parent’s money, and still I am exhausting my time. What I have gained were the engravings of loneliness, despair, and dread into my soul, getting a taste of the life of all work and no free time, simply surviving the day and envied those who can afford food. Is going through these feelings again and again necessary for something? What do these experiences lead to? What am I suffering for? With regards to positive events, I attended my first ever gunpla expo and saw Kawaguchi Meijin in person, watched the impactful SAO movie in theaters, and now being able to hang out in Japan with another close friend. They were fun and inspirational moments. But could I make something out of them?
I feel and fear that the path I am walking on may be a dead end. The best that I can think of is that my time in Japan up until now were there to make me reconsider the future that I truly want to pursue. However, I cannot see beyond that.
May 15, 2017
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In the movie ひるね姫 ～知らない私の物語～, there was a scene where the protagonist, ココネ (Kokone, a high school girl), was told by an old man to not waste any time in life because life is short. Kokone replies by asking when did life started to feel short because she feels that life is incredibly long and distant.
Ever since then, I too wondered the same. Life should be long and distant. But for me right now, life seems short and time passes fast. To answer Kokone’s question, life and time started to feel short around when I was graduating from university. The possible reasons why are plentiful, and I don’t have an exact answer I decided upon yet.
What I do know however, is that I want to regain that feeling I had lost with respect to the passage of life and time, to once again live at my own pace, to stand in the position of Kokone’s outlook on life. //Continue Reading//
April 30, 2017
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This month was far from smooth sailing. The seas were rough and the storm is still ongoing. However, I am here. I found a path to survival. My situation has improved. My wish and dream of attaining a stable daily life and to live together with friends, was realized in an unexpected way. Although a small version of what I had envisioned, this small happiness alone took me 7 months to reach. A taste of what I want to achieve.
I have moved into my friend March’s place where a room had opened up. It was the house I used to be in when I first arrived in Chiba but then I moved out for a modern apartment, and now I am back. Having an entire room to myself, plus being friends with the housemates now, it is not bad. But of course, the world would not let me have it easy. Circumstances arose and this house would be closed down at the end of the month. I had only just moved back in and now in a few weeks, we all have to leave. I will enjoy my time here as much as I can. //Continue Reading//
April 19, 2017
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Originally, I was going to take a photo of a sakura tree, of which the flowers have mostly fallen off by now, as an example to show how things keep on slipping by in my current life. Spring came and the sakura bloomed. If it was me several years ago, I would have been excited, going around places taking photos of the flower to upload onto this blog. Even now, I reminisce about the moments I spent in Kyoto during spring 2012. This year, this time in Japan, I have not taken a single photo of them. The sakura petals have fallen and they are gone now. Much like my inability to take photos of the sakura on time, other things in my life simply keep on slipping by. The reasons and scenarios were various. Anyways, I thought I was too late to yet another event.
But today, I saw these flowers at a park nearby. I admit. I don’t know what these flowers are. However, they fulfilled the same role as sakura in my heart, beautifully vivid pink trees in full bloom during spring. This wasn’t quite what I had imagined, but this alternative will do. I dreamed of living together with friends in Japan, hanging out, buying things, and engaging our hobbies. My life right now isn’t quite what I had imagined… but perhaps… this alternative might do.
//続きを見る Continue Reading//
March 31, 2017
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Life has many ups and downs, and that is especially true for me ever since I came to Japan last year. Repeating one month after another, it has been just rough cycles of things looking hopeful then things going wrong. This month was another down, another unsuccessful effort, another moment I must endure through. April was approaching. The start of a new year for businesses and academics in Japan. It was the prime time to seize an opportunity to change my situation. But once again, outside of my control, I fell into another pitfall. Ahh… this is the taste of failure.
This failure was only a small taste of what it would be like when my time runs out. My time in Japan isn’t over; it continues. Seeing it positively, a friend told me that things have simply reverted back to the original plan of studying for a year. While nothing improved, it didn’t worsen either. …or so I would like to fool myself into thinking.
In the past 6 months, I have been through a fair share of struggles and suffering. I honestly considered the option of giving up and going home. Oh, how I miss my mom’s food. Oh, how I miss playing with my brother. Oh, how I miss not having to worry about work and money. My life back in the States was not satisfactory. I was accomplishing nothing there, so I left to pursue greater happiness. But I am accomplishing nothing here either. I am exhausted… Just exhausted…
Without a future, the promise of friends was the only hope that kept me going. My friend March wants me to move into his dorm where space opened up and my friend Lettuce is coming to Japan. There were some dim lights in this dark dark tunnel…
Nothing changed much around my desk during this dreadful month.
February 28, 2017
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February was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Early on, something really sad happened. I cried for [redacted], over and over again. My mind begin to sink into the abyss, drifting further away from the passion I once had. What woke me up though, was Sword Art Online. Its movie, Ordinal Scale, released in theaters on the 18th. I wasn’t prepared, nor was I in the mood, for it. Still, from a friend’s encouragement, I went to watch it on release day. This entire event made me realize things I had forgotten about and showed me the strength I needed to move forward again. The reasons why I came to Japan are all around me. I must to attain the ability to reach out for them.
So, due to the events during this month, the way I spent my free time changed in two major ways. One, I stopped building gunpla. Two, I focused on games, especially SAO:HR. //Continue Reading//
January 31, 2017
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January. New year. 2017.
However, for me, this January did not represent a new beginning. The situation has not changed. Injured, I am still crawling through the mud, trying to get out of this swamp. December 2016 was the end of many things. And now, I must restart from zero. Despite being in Japan for 4 months, I have not moved on from square one. Absolutely pathetic. //Continue Reading//
December 31, 2016
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I am in a labyrinth. And unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of taking my time to find the way out. In every turn could be a dead end or a trap. And this month, I fell into a pitfall.
A lot went on during this month. Initially, it appeared that my situation was finally going to stabilize a little bit. I came across some cheap used bookshelves that were just perfect for manga. I immediately purchased one of them, carried it home, and arranged my room to what I currently feel to be a very comfortable layout. The desk shifted to the left side and the bookshelf took the desk’s former place, while the bed now lays horizontal to the desk and I can now be on the PC being wrapped in my futon to survive this cold winter. Continue Reading
December 25, 2016
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Merry Christmas! Although this year’s Christmas was another lonely one that went by with little celebration, I did whatever I could to make the day a little more special. To celebrate, I bought myself some presents and a cake. Unexpectedly and very gratefully, my little brother bought me the game Sword Art Online: Hollow Realization. I also kept Christmas BGM on loop for a few days to get into the holiday mood. |Continue Reading|
November 30, 2016
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While November was not a short month, I can’t believe that it is already the end of 2016. Soon another year will pass, and yet, I have not moved very much towards my dreams and aspirations. Coming to Japan was a small step. This month, I made just another small step forward. However, I am in a maze. I think I know where I want to end up, but have no idea how to get there. I am in Japan, surviving, trying to settle down comfortably, searching for opportunities to leap forward. My situation isn’t the best, but it is also not the worst. The chances are here. I can work with this.
For the first weekend of this month, on Saturday the 5th, I went over to Kanamachi in Tokyo to hang out with Xyrenth. For lunch, we ate at Mos Burger. During my first time there, I had the モスバーガーof the same name as the restaurant and it was delicious. This time, I tried their 野菜バーガー, which was also great. Afterwards, we went to karaoke at JoySound for an hour. Oddly, we didn’t get an option to extend the time. Without other things to do, I went with Xyrenth to her apartment for the main purpose of this visit, to checked her in-progress HG Schwalbe Graze. Upon Xyrenth’s request, I repaired the blade tips of the wire claw, and painted some parts in gold. Before returning back to Chiba, Xyrenth treated me to a standing ramen shop for dinner. I enjoyed the food and experience, but I can imagine different if hot and crowded. Continue Reading