-フローレス パッション-

「毎日楽しいの為に」 Flawless Passion

A Snapshot of Thoughts #5 – January 29th, 2018

For my monthly posts regarding my daily life in Japan, I have titled it “Struggles in Japan”. Recently, I thought about whether or not it was time to end it, and start a new daily life in Japan series with a more positive title in its place. But sadly, my struggles won’t cease anytime soon.

My life had never been easy. Seeking somewhere better, a place I could call home and feel like I belonged in, I took my chances and came to Japan. Only a year after graduating from university and with no professional experience nor skills, I now realize that it was a rash and risky decision. However, the only other choice I had was to remain living an uncomfortable life in that country. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. I can’t say that either is better than the other. And now, I have came to the realization that for many years to come, I will continue to face challenges of sustaining my life in Japan.

My time in Japan (a little over a year now) has been far from successful. Only recently have I made it to square one, reached a status that is comparable to the average person. But what’s next? My current job pays a living wage, which supports my present life. But I don’t know how long it will continue for. Whether or not I can keep this job year after year isn’t entirely up to me. And plus, although I don’t hate the job, I can’t say I like it either. I cannot imagine continuing for over 6 years.

As such, how I feel is that I am on a time bomb, with the time remaining unknown to me. Or perhaps walking along an ice bridge that is slowly melting away. When the time is right, I need to be able to jump ship. “To be able to” is the tricky part. Once again, I have no other professional skills. In other words, I am useless and worthless in my current state.

On this blog, I had mention several times before about needing a certain level of quality of life and free time, so that I may eat to live the next day while learning new skill sets to build a future. That is exactly what I attained and must be doing right now. Disappointingly, the steps that I have been taking towards my goal has been the stride of an ant.

What I want to do in the future is something in the creative field. I want to make awesome things and believe that I have the potential to. Exactly what I want to do in what creative field, I don’t know. And my potential hasn’t been able to provide enough consistency to complete any particular projects so far. Even if I have the potential, or possibility, I don’t have the talent.

The road ahead of me is a long one. And it doesn’t look hopeful.
But you know, that’s just the way it is. My life will not get easy any time soon. But in an effort to steer my direction in life, I am trying out different things, to improve and learn more about myself, my abilities, and my possibilities. The only thing I can do right now is to do my best in whatever I can get my hands on. Perhaps one day, they will eventually lead me somewhere.

Besides struggles with regards to a career, another thing I think and daydream to myself about is about my significant other….. and by that I mean how I don’t have one. Regarding that topic, the number of problems and obstacles are several times that of the amount I wrote above regarding work. First of all, I don’t have anyone I like and by the look of things, I never will. It isn’t something I have any control over nor “do my best” in. By my philosophy, a romantic partner isn’t someone you can “find”, like going around stores to shop for a merchandise you like. Instead, to me it is more like a lottery. Either you are lucky or 99.9% of the time, you are not. Of course, people who have a significant other and experience with romantic relationships may disagree and have something to say to that, so I will apologize in advance that perhaps I have no idea what I am talking about. I was speaking purely from my own experience (of zero) and my feelings.

Not even at the level of a romantic partner, simply trying to find friends in my own age group with the same interests has proven to be impossible. If nothing special happens, I am just a foreigner, an outsider who doesn’t belong. In addition, as a working adult, the opportunities of meeting anyone, let alone meeting someone for fun and casual chatter, is nonexistent. That’s one privilege of being a student. Combine that with the goal of learning new skills, I am considering the idea of enrolling in a vocational school sometime in the future. Of course, the immediate concern is money, for which I am saving money towards right now, but I don’t make enough for that to be achievable within a couple years. And that, brings me back to how I described my situation as a time bomb.

….

Of course, it is only normal for life to come with struggles and challenges. However, the obstacles I face isn’t at a normal level. Another major difference between me and the average person is that I don’t have a semi-permanent place of residence. I don’t have a place I can call home, that I feel like belongs to me here in Japan. Furthermore, I lack a safety net for when everything goes bad. In my worst case scenario, I would have to leave the country. That is not a worry the average person has. To sum up everything in one simple sentence, my stay in Japan isn’t concrete and I have no idea where in life I will be in the next couple years. Until I have a very stable career, get married, or attain permanent residency, my struggles in Japan won’t be diminishing.

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