A Snapshot of Thoughts #3 – May 20th, 2017
May 26, 2017
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Prior to coming to Japan, I had believed that there is no such thing as a wasted effort. Everything I have done had a purpose and will connect together at some point to mean something in some way. That was a motivation message I took to heart from Danny Choo, a person that played a role in my exposure to Japan. Those words were true. That was how I came to learn Japanese, by simply doing what I loved and immersing myself in my hobbies. Every moment I spent watching anime, reading in games, listening to broadcasts, and singing songs formed my language skill level today. Never had I thought I would be become this fluent in Japanese.
In other moments of my life, the things I have done and spent time on may not have led to an accomplishment, but they definitely resulted in something, such as connecting to a new hobby or met new friends. Or sometimes just plainly, I had fun. Many things in my life were all by chance, coincidences stacked upon coincidences through the decisions I made and eventually took its shape into what is my life. I am everything I have ever done.
But, I recently begin to question the thought that there is no such thing as a wasted effort. I ask myself, what was my time in Japan in the last 7 months for? What has it accomplished me and contributed to? I lost a friend, used up my brother’s and parent’s money, and still I am exhausting my time. What I have gained were the engravings of loneliness, despair, and dread into my soul, getting a taste of the life of all work and no free time, simply surviving the day and envied those who can afford food. Is going through these feelings again and again necessary for something? What do these experiences lead to? What am I suffering for? With regards to positive events, I attended my first ever gunpla expo and saw Kawaguchi Meijin in person, watched the impactful SAO movie in theaters, and now being able to hang out in Japan with another close friend. They were fun and inspirational moments. But could I make something out of them?
I feel and fear that the path I am walking on may be a dead end. The best that I can think of is that my time in Japan up until now were there to make me reconsider the future that I truly want to pursue. However, I cannot see beyond that.